He leaned in and said- "Carolyn, while others are being voted for prom queen and who will be most successful, your being voted as most likely to die of an overdose. Wake the fuck up."
I was 16 years old in this picture. If you look hard enough... You can see the pain in my eyes. I am going to share some things that I normally would not share on Facebook or for that matter with anyone else. I know many would rather I hide the truth, but honestly, I have nothing to hide anymore.
My client was the one who inspired me to write this. He just kept saying he had nothing to hide, and that he was who he was, and he didn't care who knew it. I kept thinking how liberating that would feel just to let it all out. Say screw it. This is my truth. This is me. Come here and take a look at the wounds that I have turned into scars. Take me or leave me.
I feel so strongly to share who I used to be to who I am now. I want everyone to know that it's okay to make some mistakes and get back up. Your past does not have to equal your future, unless you live there.
Deep breath in... Here goes...
I was 14 when I first had sex. I am not going to mention any names because is not necessary but I remember feeling that freedom for a moment that everything faded away and I didn't feel the pain. I had finally found a way out of myself. To numb the pain I was in. Not physical pain but emotional. I felt alone. I hated that alone feeling and always had to be doing something, which is quite ironic now because my alone time is by far my favorite part of my day. When I am meditating in stillness.
I remember I went searching for anything to fill the void I felt within my soul. I felt so empty. So spiritually dead. The only time I felt alive is when I was doing drugs. Or when I was lying to those I loved. Or when I was selfishly seeking attention from men who were taken. I lived for the rush. The rush of the adrenaline of doing something so wrong and naughty. I didn't know how something could feel so wrong and so right at the same time.
This is how I saw myself for years. As a piece of meat. I had no real value I thought. I went through high school getting into fights because other girls would be mad I slept with there boyfriends.
I clearly remember a vivid moment that I do not think I will ever forget. I was called into the office one time and one of the teachers said several students were worried about me. They saw me smoking pot on school grounds, snorting in the bathroom, doing whip it's in my moms van in the parking lot. I remember the message from this teacher.
He looked at me as I stared at him with glassy stoned eyes. He leaned in and said- "Carolyn, while others are being voted for prom queen and who will be most successful, your being voted as most likely to die of an overdose. Wake the fuck up."
That comment stop my racing thoughts dead in there tracks. He walked out the office and slammed his door. I sat for a moment. Not making a move or a sound. Omg I think how did I get here? I went from bar to bar with my fake id pretending to be someone else. I felt like I could smell the alcohol seeping out of my skin, and all I could feel was this sense of hate for myself. Here I was addicted to drugs and alcohol and men. Anything not to feel inside. I felt my cheeks get hot as the tears streamed down my face and felt the churning in my stomach like worms. Ugh. I wipe the tears away and put on my best facade.
You see that ah-aww moment isn't when change happens. It's Awareness that comes with the ah-awww moment. Must shout out Joe White for bringing this to my attention at one of his seminars. Action is what really breeds change and at that point I was not ready to squarely face the woman I was in the mirror. In fact I could barely even look in the mirror anymore. Just looking in the mirror would make me sick. I hated me. I hated that I felt like a whore. That's all I felt like anymore. There was no more twinkle in my eyes. Just a dead zombie and my drug of choice was more. I went home that day to numb the pain just like any other day but this time, I decided I wanted to not wake up.
That night, I went out with these guys. I drank way too much. Vodka. I kept thinking it wasn't happening fast enough and then all of sudden... It hit me like a ton of bricks. Like to the point where I blacked out. I woke up on the curb the next morning to the sound of guy shaking me. He said, "Hey you alive?" I looked up and realized I was face down on the pavement out front of my mom and dads house on the side walk.
My one thought, "Shit. I can't even kill myself right."
I could tell you many more moments that lead me deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole, but then one day... I was gifted with grace. I was caught. I was caught making 65k a year with no bills broke. I remember stealing from my dad and him calling and saying it's done. I wanted help. I was grateful that finally the chase was over. No longer would I have to wake up every morning and find a way to fill the void. I would do anything to stop the lies, the guilt, the shame.
I went to rehab and started going to NA meetings. It wasn't easy. Many days, I felt different and not like them but I just kept focusing on the similarities instead of the differences and Slowly but surely I fell in love myself and my life again. They say not to get into a relationship for a year. I was pregnant a month later, (you all know by now rules are not really my thing). I ended up marrying him 2 years later. Na saved my life. Life was good for a while but then I just started to once again feel bored. Unfulfilled. I was married, steady 9-5 and had a little girl who i adored, but I found myself asking, is this it? Is this why I came here? I found myself, looking up bridges to jump off of. And instead, by divine grace...My fingers type in the name Tony Robbins. I could not help but connect instantly with his energy as soon as I saw him on video. I guess most people can, but this seemed different.
This felt like ... Destiny.
I will stop here. My story continues as most of you know. My story continues to become more amazing and bizarre and outrageous. All the things they said were impossible... I just kept doing.
I keep leaping into the dark and having the faith that my feet will hit the ground. I keep sharing honestly and being vulnerable. I keep saying, "Hey! This is who I am and I love me!" I am not what happened to me. I am not my past. Now when I look in the mirror, I see fallen angel. A fucking warrior, a wise, strong, humble, compassionate woman. I am so grateful for the hand I have been dealt in my life because it is that hand that makes me who I am today. So I would like to take the opportunity to say thank you to the people who have hurt me the most. Thank you for making the woman I am today.
Remember if you want to truly love yourself, then you must love your past too, no matter how difficult it may seem. All those struggles made you who you are today.
My book is now available to be pre-ordered before its official release date May 1st, 2016. Early Birds get a 50% discount and will be sent the paperback book and ebook.
Don't ever give up on you. Especially when you think you have no way out... thats normally when the door appears towards your new priceless magical beginning. Big. Bada. BOOM.
Sending you hugs, high fives and pattern breaking ass slaps,
Spark Your Rockstar